it's easy to forget.

With all the talk of enjoying the single life, it's easy for me to forget to articulate what it is that I feel ultimately called to. I forget to ask my friends to pray for it. I get caught up in how I feel now and what I'm doing now that I forget the glorious anticipation of this beautiful thing, and look at my hope in light of my present circumstances, which leaves a bitter taste in my mouth sometimes.

So I'm practicing being vulnerable and honest, lest I keep forgetting. Just in case I've mislead you while trying to muster a false sense of satisfaction...

_I want to get married.

_I want to have lots of children.

There it is, plain and simple.

i am a daughter.

my mom left for an extended trip today. been thinking about her a lot lately. i was trying to photograph my my lovely hairdo (by becky and shelly), and was surprised to see an expression clearly reminiscent of my mom. she has an artsy strain and took lots of photos like this of herself when she was my age.

it's comforting to know that we aren't our parents and can still take joy in them being a part of who we are.

This is why I'm afraid to tell people I'm a graphic designer for a church. I'm afraid they'll think that I do advertising...

Been thinking...

Are we to look at other Christians as Christians or human beings first?

How does this affect our perception of others?

More reflections

Both: "Reflection"
Top: by Malissa, at the Hyatt earlier this week
Bottom: by me, at L'Abri, 3 years ago

reflections on bravery

"I wait in 4/4 time" taken by my very cool friend, Malissa.

i sit at Lux, waiting for my overheated car to cool down. It's been a full week. My mind is full, brimming with all sorts of things. Mostly things that I've been wrestling with for awhile. It was hard to fight the expectation of having resolution by the week's end. I'm thankful for being given the strength to sit here now, on Saturday afternoon, still grappling with everything i started out with, only feeling more informed and equipped to take these questions head on. i don't think this is the right place to share all my inner workings, but i can tell you that i'm watching my life change. Don't worry, it's nothing drastic, like moving away. It's all internal—my ideas, hopes, and expectations are changing. The consequence of this will probably show themselves eventually, as ideas shape the way we live. It's hard to be challenged and humbled. But i think it's an answer to prayer too.

A month ago today, i penned this into my journal:

i wish i was brave.
with my art.
with people.

daring + audacious.
no problem.

but bravery seems to allude me.

Looking back on this week, i can see points of growth amidst even many more points of weakness. The week started with creative exhaustion and panic. i felt the most weak and insecure than i have in a long while. It was scary in kind of a silly way. My wonderful brother was quick to encourage me frequently, for which i am deeply grateful. The Lord seemed to be at hand despite my craziness. Slowly, my fears were assuaged as sovereignty became clearer and more tangible. i met some amazing, beautiful people this week who have given me much to hope for. i got to work with my hands and do what i love. i got to share goofy baseball cheers and tears with precious new friends. i was able to feel a lot of things very deeply (a huge area of growth). i feel blessed, satisfied, and thankful.

my intentions to post about bravery seemed to not follow through, but that's ok. i still need help to be brave. i have some things coming up that i need to be brave and loving, and would love your prayers. the volume of thoughts and the amount of sleep i have aren't complimentary, which is why this is a bit scattered. i'm thankful to at least have words for some of this stuff running through my mind.

bottom line: The Lord is good.

---

There's a handwritten sign here at Lux that rings deeply to me right now.

does
it
bring you
joy?

Hope and Expectation

Living without expectations is hard but, when you can do it, good. Living without hope is harder, and that is bad. You have got to have hope, and you mustn't shirk it. Love, after all, "hopeth all things." But maybe you must learn, and it is hard learning, not to hope out loud, especially for other people. You must not let your hope turn into expectation.

Wendell Berry, Hannah Coulter, pg. 146

---

Been thinking about this a lot lately...

Some New Amazing Music

Sigur Rós is now streaming their new album. I've been deliberating about just how much I like it. More-than-U2 like it? More-than-Helvetica like it? More-than-coffee like it? Maybe more-than-Coldplay like it... It's fantastic. A different sound than in the past, but it's a amazing diversion. Much more rich, carefree, happy than past albums. "Inní mér syngur vitleysingur" is my favorite and makes me wish I had a field to run through.

Note: Their new music video and album cover features some skivvy-less folk. Isn't suitable for the undiscerning.
---
Also, there are still prints available for purchase if you're hankering for some artwork!

Prints for Sale!

Hello, friends! I printed up a bunch of prints for First Fridays last night and through a series of unfortunate events, wasn't able to set up shop. So now I've got a bunch of prints and thought I'd offer them to my friends in stead! This is what I've got with the quantity "in stock" underneath:

"saturated blossom"
1 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"birds admire themselves without vanity"
2 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"there."
2 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"budding tree top"
2 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"tip tops"
3 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"geometric fence"
2 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"Free + Anchored"
2 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"Pier trees"
2 - 4x6 | sold out - 8x12


"Backlit leaves"
sold out - 4x6 | sold out - 8x12


"two trees"
2 - 4x6 | sold out - 8x12


"little lovelies"
2 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"automatic sprinkler"
1 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12


"louisville twilight tree"
2 - 4x6 | 1 - 8x12

Here's the deal. You can buy individual 4x6 for $2 or 3 of them for $5. The 8x12 are $10 each. This includes shipping. If you're interested, e-mail me at cafecalvinista [at] gmail [dot] com and we can set up a PayPal for it, or mail a check, or whatever, and I'll shoot it in the mail. Sound good? Any takers?

Can't really do the former without practicing the latter.

Sometimes it's important to be brilliant.
Sometimes it's important to wrestle.
Sometimes it's important to do things well.

...And sometimes it's just nice to play.

from a recent conversation.