reflections on bravery

I wait in 4/4 time
"I wait in 4/4 time" taken by my very cool friend, Malissa.

i sit at Lux, waiting for my overheated car to cool down. It's been a full week. My mind is full, brimming with all sorts of things. Mostly things that I've been wrestling with for awhile. It was hard to fight the expectation of having resolution by the week's end. I'm thankful for being given the strength to sit here now, on Saturday afternoon, still grappling with everything i started out with, only feeling more informed and equipped to take these questions head on. i don't think this is the right place to share all my inner workings, but i can tell you that i'm watching my life change. Don't worry, it's nothing drastic, like moving away. It's all internal—my ideas, hopes, and expectations are changing. The consequence of this will probably show themselves eventually, as ideas shape the way we live. It's hard to be challenged and humbled. But i think it's an answer to prayer too.

A month ago today, i penned this into my journal:

i wish i was brave.
with my art.
with people.

daring + audacious.
no problem.

but bravery seems to allude me.

i wish i was brave

Looking back on this week, i can see points of growth amidst even many more points of weakness. The week started with creative exhaustion and panic. i felt the most weak and insecure than i have in a long while. It was scary in kind of a silly way. My wonderful brother was quick to encourage me frequently, for which i am deeply grateful. The Lord seemed to be at hand despite my craziness. Slowly, my fears were assuaged as sovereignty became clearer and more tangible. i met some amazing, beautiful people this week who have given me much to hope for. i got to work with my hands and do what i love. i got to share goofy baseball cheers and tears with precious new friends. i was able to feel a lot of things very deeply (a huge area of growth). i feel blessed, satisfied, and thankful.

my intentions to post about bravery seemed to not follow through, but that's ok. i still need help to be brave. i have some things coming up that i need to be brave and loving, and would love your prayers. the volume of thoughts and the amount of sleep i have aren't complimentary, which is why this is a bit scattered. i'm thankful to at least have words for some of this stuff running through my mind.

bottom line: The Lord is good.


There's a handwritten sign here at Lux that rings deeply to me right now.

bring you


MikeDana said...

My prayers are with you, my Friend. Changes of this type can be difficult and frightening. Your words show me that you're already taking the best advice that I (or anyone, I think) might offer you: You are trusting the Lord, and looking to Him for guidance & comfort. Keep at it.


Luz said...

thanks mike. i appreciate it!